The importance of Christ-Centered Singles Ministry

Is your singles ministry Christ-centered, or is it fellowship-centered with a little bit of Jesus sprinkled on top?

Think about it carefully. The difference, at a glance, is hard to see. The battle is good versus best. Fellowship is good; indeed it is ordained by God and is one of the purposes of the body of Christ. But we face a dilemma in single-adult ministry, a crisis of priorities, a clash of Christianity versus the soft-gospel, make-me-feel-good culture. Many of our ministries run the risk of becoming whitewashed dating pools in the name of Jesus.

The difference parallels the difference between being led by God and being led by our feelings in the name of God. The drift in singles ministry is too often toward programming that meets secondary needs. Is God leading men and women to find groups of singles where they can find their mate? Or is he leading them to find groups of Christ-centered people who will nurture their spiritual growth and where, if it's God's will, they might find their mate. The difference is subtle but huge. It is right to seek your mate in church. It is wrong to go there primarily for that reason. Many will come primarily to seek their mate. We must embrace them while lovingly challenging them to refocus and helping them do so.

Satan knows that singles are more prone to follow their feelings, so he masquerades as light – Remember, He never looks like Satan, but always as something attractive, sometimes a member of the opposite sex who ‘goes to church' – and he starts to lead them adrift.

Jesus never leads from the periphery. He doesn't want to be part of your life, part of your decision-making process, part of your ministry, one of the people or things you consult or turn to in times of decision or trouble. He wants to be your Center. He is your Center, or you are not Christ-centered. He is your Center, or you are adrift and following your feelings.

This drift is hard for most singles to recognize. Start a long journey (such as a job or a relationship) three or four degrees off course, and you won't recognize you are off center for a long time.

Consider, for example, a single man and woman who meet in church. Both are cultural Christians, raised around the church, generally knowing right from wrong, at least intellectually acknowledging Jesus as Lord. They may or may not be born again. They come to the church singles group first and foremost to find relationship, a ‘good' girl or a ‘good' man. The Bible teaching is OK, the worship makes them feel good, and the preacher gets under their skin occasionally, but basically they're looking for relationship.

They meet each other, and immediately each other become the center of their life, more than edging out Jesus. They make each other feel good emotionally. They like doing many of the same things. Affection grows, and physical intimacy seems the natural next step. It feels right.

They stay active in Sunday School and singles socials, and they pray together before meals – maybe – but spend no serious time on their knees together. They each have past relational baggage. Neither has coped with the baggage substantially, but the subject doesn't come up much in the dating process – why focus on the negative?

The relationship feels right because some legitimate felt needs are being met in some illegitimate ways. And after all, they met in church, right there in Sunday School. The singles minister even agrees to perform the wedding. They must be in God's will, right?

Two years, five years or 10 years later they can't understand why it's falling apart. Why their pasts haunt them. Why there is sexual mistrust. Why prayers don't seem to get past the ceiling.

They didn't have a Christ-centered relationship. They just had a relationship in the name of Christ and singles ministry.

A harsh depiction? Regardless, an all-too-common one. This couple represents a higher percentage of people in singles groups than singles or their ministers want to admit.

This shows us why the church must lovingly set the course in single-adult ministry. We focus on the noun, not the adjective…adult being the noun and single being the adjective.

The above scenario is not ultimately avoidable by leadership in the church – it will happen over and over because people make their own choices about who to follow. Nevertheless, the number of singles who drift off into pseudo-satisfaction can be radically decreased if the church will set a standard and define a course that firmly but lovingly eases the single adult away from this trap. (Warning -- this could hurt your numbers!).

Failure to set the course – either by the church or in an individual life – is to go immediately adrift. Keeping His truth and purposes foremost and insisting that every activity of singles ministry is not merely filtered through His truth and purposes but driven by them, is a crucial role of the church in singles ministry. Single adults, you can step up and insist on this standard with your staff.

The church must protect the integrity of the singles and their ministry. This can be especially difficult because the singles often don't see their need.

Part of the drift toward ‘fellowship with Jesus sprinkled on top' can be a desire for singles to partner with other singles ministries for events. This is not always bad , but the fact is that often this is nothing more than an effort to increase their dating pool. Because of their (mostly legitimate) strong need for relationship, many singles ideas of ‘outreach' is mixing with other singles groups. While again stressing that this is not always bad, we must gently stand firm in helping them understand that they are not fulfilling the Great Commission by having 2 nd Baptist, 3 rd Methodist and 4 th Presbyterian's singles over for a pot luck.

The minister of single adults – or whatever staff person has singles in his area – is responsible for not ordaining fellowship with other groups who aren't Christ-centered. Para-church singles groups should be considered with particular care. Though often formed because the collective church failed them, they are just as often formed because they intended to create a larger dating pool and didn't want to submit to church leadership, or any authority.

The point is to keep the main thing the main thing. Fellowship is a crucial function of the body of Christ, and it is never more crucial than in singles ministry, but fellowship-centered singles ministry is off-center, and single adults and their ministry leaders run the constant risk of not discovering it until they are far off course. The litter of tattered relationships begun within singles ministry should be the only proof we need.