Men, Abortion and the Hidden Pain

It's like the tip of an iceberg, a sharp, damaging external protrusion that, no matter how much pain it inflicts, only represents the much bigger, colder problem beneath the surface.

Some men think they've been cruising consequence-free, when in fact they've pierced themselves with hurt, anger and guilt from the unresolved issue.

What is so fierce that it can sink the seemingly hardiest of men, or at least flood a chamber of his heart and debilitate him for life?

Abortion.

Oh, you thought that was a girl thing?

Well, a man is involved beyond the obvious. That was life he gave, and life that was taken, and life is never really the same again. Steve Van Hoff knows.

“I tried to cover up the pain,” says Van Hoff, who fathered a child at age 16 with a 15-year-old neighbor. The girl's father demanded an abortion. The combination of Van Hoff's actions and the ‘solution' of the father set the spiritual, mental and emotional stage for decades of anguish.

“I lost respect for authority,” he says. “I had a very quick temper, and anger turned to rage. I drank, and my life was a series of broken relationships with women. It led to a life of sexual, sinful exploits without finding intimacy. I was totally self-centered.”

There have been an estimated 35 million abortions since Roe v. Wade made it legal 30 years ago. As they say in ‘Birds and Bees 101,' it takes two. One, the father, is often ignored.

“There are a lot of people walking around on drugs or alcohol, or living sexually immoral lifestyles, because the level of trust is broken,” Van Hoff says. “When you diminish a life to nothing, it wipes out all the other areas of trust and intimacy.”

Van Hoff could be the poster boy for post-abortion stress in men. But it's hard to represent an issue few people acknowledge exists. Post-Abortion stress in men is mostly a hidden problem, says Mike Reid, president of Care Net, a non-profit organization that helps resource about 650 pregnancy centers across the United States.

“One reason it is hidden is that our society has been very slow to recognize the problem in women,” Reid says. “And certainly it affects her more. But if you put women in the caboose, men aren't even on the train.

“Another reason it is hidden is that men are separate from the process physically.”

But this is not a case of out of sight, out of mind and heart, though most men would like to think so. “Men are much better at compartmentalizing and ignoring issues,” Reid says.

Post-abortion stress can affect men regardless of the circumstances of the abortion.

“A lot of men know their baby was aborted,” Reid says. “They either passively let it happened, or they may have pressured the woman to do it. Perhaps they paid for it, or drove her there. Or they may not have wanted her to have the abortion, and she did it anyway. Whether complicit or not, a man is tempted to put away the related emotions because they are too hard to deal with.”

David Hazard and the late Guy Condon wrote in ‘Fatherhood Aborted,' that the symptoms of post-abortion trauma in men could include:

• Difficulty with commitment
• Dodging authority
• No solid sense of indentity
• Working to impress moral leaders
• Keeping women at bay
• Trouble bonding
• Fear of impending tragedy
• Failure to own mistakes
• Feelings of inadequacy as a leader

Men may even consciously or sub-consciously try to ‘make up' for their mistake, as Van Hoff did.

“I'd been trying to find a way to work my way right with God,” he said. He got involved in the pro-life movement, working as a sidewalk counselor and even blocking the entrances to abortion clinics. Sidewalk counseling was particularly effective. “I saw success in that, saw people turned away and saw lives saved,” he said.

Though God used something terrible (the abortion) to bring about good (Van Hoff's work in the pro-life movement), it still didn't cover the problem. “I thought, ‘This will help me. I can work my way into right living,” he says. “I can somehow make up for the life of this child.”

Awareness of the problem usually doesn't come for several years, even 12-to-15 years. “It is generally later because the initial rationalization led them to ‘fix' the problem, and it initially feels pretty good,” Reid says.

Van Hoff's awareness of the root of his problem came gradually, beginning when he married and extending through his relationship with their four children, now ages 20 to 6. Recognition of post-abortion stress is easier in women than men, because there are more natural markers.

“For women, it often happens when they get pregnant later,'' Reid says, “or they are around their nieces or nephews and begin to think, ‘My baby would be X years old.' “

The same type of recognition can come in men, but it is less certain.

“Men tend to act out more, with substance abuse or by hurting themselves,” Reid says. “They might also be physically aggressive toward their current partner, or the might be in depression. Hopefully, reading an article or some other mechanism will help them say, ‘Maybe this behavior is connected with the abortion.' “

In effect, many men are getting treatment for the symptoms of their problem. How do friends and family turn them toward the real issue? It's not an easy question. Some ideas gleaned from Reid, Van Hoff, ‘Fatherhood Aborted,' and other articles and web sites:

• Pray. Pray for recognition of the root issue by the man involved. Pray for an opening to discuss it with him. Pray for the Holy Spirit to draw him to repentance, and thus to healing.
• Read Condon and Hazard's book. ‘Fatherhood Aborted' will enlighten and help equip a friend or family member to help.
• By a copy of the book for a friend who has fathered an aborted child. Be prepared that he may not read it; to read it is a major step toward recognition.
• Refer the man to a crisis pregnancy center (CPC), and explain that an increasing number of them have resources for men.
• Call a CPC and discuss the specific case with a counselor, gleaning advice from them. Encourage the CPC to begin support groups for men, if they have not already.

CPCs have long offered Bible-study based, weekly support for post-abortive women. “About five years ago, a few started providing groups for men,” Reid says. “It's pretty new.” He estimates that of approximately 2,500 CPS in the U.S., only about 50 have a formal program for men.

“More centers now are saying, ‘We haven't done that in the past, but there's a valid need and we're trying to figure out how to get the resources and start,' “ Reid says. “Still some saying, ‘There may be a need, but we've got our hands full with women.' “

The results are worth the effort to seek out hurting men and provide help. Van Hoff is proof. He found a small group called HEARTS -- ‘Healing and Encouragement, through Abortion Related Trauma' – through a CPC in Portland, Ore.

“I believe I had asked God's forgiveness but I had never forgiven myself,” says Van Hoff, who now speaks all over the country in support of HEARTS groups. “What I found through this ministry was a way to safely trans from the consequences of that abortion to peace of Christ. I began to understand the Father's heart, how he loved me so deeply and intently, and it enabled me to open up in relationships with my children and family in a way that I was having hard time doing.''

Part of Van Hoff's healing process involved writing a letter of apology and forgiveness to the woman who carried his baby, and giving the baby a name and memorial place. Upon making the decision to do those things, God spoke with clarity and power as only He can.

“Almost 30 years later, she called me on the phone the same night I was writing her a letter to ask if it would be OK with my wife is she sent me a similar letter,” Van Hoff says, wonder and amazement still evident in his voice. “I told her I'd like to give the baby a name and asked her if she had thought about that. She said she had. I told her she could have the privilege of naming the baby. She said she knew it was a boy and that she had been thinking ‘Joshua.'

“That's the same name I wanted.”

When your goose bumps warm up, consider how God intervenes in sin and even uses it – never justifying it – to His glory. Psychology is involved in the healing process, but the supernatural is required.

“What happened says to me that He is so personal, that He cares about every detail of my life, that He's a God of details and relationships. He answers the prayer to heal relationships,” Van Hoff says.

“It's almost inexpressible to be able to bring some finality to it. For so long there was so much rejection that it had actually happened. But now I see how God forgave David for his relationship with Bathsheba, and if He can love and forgive them and change their lives, He can love and forgive and change mine.”

Sidebar 1

Before Guy Condon died in a car crash Nov. 11, 2000, he completed with David Hazard the manuscript for ‘Fatherhood Aborted,' a book that cracks open the darkness of sin and sheds the light of Christ.

Author Steve Arterburn says the book “pierces our culture's deafening silence about the aftereffects of abortion.”

The premise, easily and convincingly presented, is that men are deeply affected by abortion, yet usually are afforded no attention or counseling, which is more readily available to women. Promise Keeper's founder Bill McCartney writes in the foreword, “Whether our society acknowledges it or not, involvement in the abortion of his child leaves a deep would in a man's soul, a would that can cripple him in many areas of his life, but particularly in his relationships and especially as a father.”

‘Fatherhood Aborted' seeks to give men hope, and enlighten those around post-abortive men to the hope they can pass on. “When a man makes a commitment to seek help resolving his own issues with the past, it's a new day. A brand-new future starts to unfold for him,” Condon and Hazard wrote.

Condon and Hazard challenge men to face their problems and to face a Savior who forgives, empowers and uses them to minister to others. It isn't a quick-fix book, but one that directs men to long-term plan.

An easy read that includes study questions at the end of 11 chapters, ‘Fatherhood Aborted' is foundational material for dealing with the issue of post-abortion stress.

Sidebar2

Care Net of Sterling, Va., is a valuable resource for information about and development of crisis pregnancy help for men and women. Led by president Mike Reid, Care Net serves and helps resource approximately 600 of the nation's 2,500 crisis pregnancy centers.

It provides networking information as well as information about counseling services and how to begin counseling programs. Though relatively few (about 50) CPCs have programs for men, Reid says there is a growing trend.

“I would encourage every center that doesn't provide counseling to men to begin,” he says. “It's hard to get a group like that started; most of the people who run those groups are women who have been healed from post-abortion syndrome. Once they get through that healing they are so mission-oriented. But it's hard to find a strong man to get a men's group started.”

But God is in the business of doing the difficult. He is using Care Net, among others, to offer help. It has produced a men's ministry manual, available for $35, “that spells out every realm of approach in men's ministry,” Reid says. “It has oodles of information.”

Care Net can be reached at 703.478.5661 or on the world wide web at www.care-net.org .

This story originally appeared in Home Life magazine.